Food Fanatic...

Disclaimer: As vulnerable as my post are I know some may laugh at my expense and that's fine and some may root for me and pray for me and that's fine as well. At this point I'm too tired to really care about what everyone else thinks of this journey. I know this is where I am suppose to be. This is where God wants me and that's more important to me.

I love food. Who doesn't? Food has been a way for me to escape. Yes, if you haven't guess I am an emotional eater. I have a horrible habit of turning to food to deal with my emotions. My life hasn't been hard like some, but it hasn't been easy as well. I've dealt with those emotions already. Now it's time for me to do damage control. It's been such a habit that even when I'm bored I eat. I've allowed my weight to get bad and I've gone on little workout kicks and than stop, but never quite reaching my goal weight a healthy one for that matter. My main goal is just to be healthy for me and my family. I know that someday Chris and I want to be parents and I want to be a good example to my children. I want to teach them balance. I know stuffing my face with whatever I can isn't allowing God to deal with the crap He needs to deal with. 

It's amazing how the years can creep up on you. It's amazing how there is so much excess crap that we often carry around. I mean materialistically as Americans we have to have a flat screen in every room. Food beyond food in a cupboard which I guarantee you by next year you will find a can in there that was dated back for this time...a year earlier or maybe 3 years earlier. Outdated stuff. If we are carrying that much excess stuff in our lives thinking we need it; my mind can't even wrap around the fact what kind of emotional, spiritual, mentally, and physical stuff are we carrying? 

Excess weight.

I know as I'm examining my life in all areas it's definitely not easy. Especially with doing something I'm so used to doing. Now I'm leaving it where it needs to be left...at His feet. Honestly, I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of those stupid insecurities about the way I look. It's time to bring those thoughts captive and just let go and let God....easy as it sounds...it's not. I'm constantly reminding myself each day. Writing to a public forum will allow me the accountability that I need. Today is Week 4 Day 3 of C25K. I felt a little discourage on Thursday because my time increased a bit,but I ran further and I didn't quite understand why. But my loving hubby quickly told me and explained to in runners' terms and encouraged my heart. I love him. He has no idea how important he is in my life. I just want to be able to wake up with him and run. Run without feeling the need to stop. Run without feeling like will this ever end. Just run.

Speaking of running...I need to get some breakfast in me...(yes, a healthy breakfast) and prep for our run today. Thanks for reading!

Perfection is my enemy..

Disclaimer: I am all over the place person with my writing. It's just how I write. Sorry! :)

Today is Week 4 Day 2 of C25K. It's a nice sunny day here in Hoptown; so I am going to take advantage of the nice weather and run a bit with my hubby and Baxter. I am still struggling with trying to find a good pace, but I know that I will hoping for sooner than later...lol.

I was driving around yesterday and this song came on The Way FM and I'll leave you with the lyrics because it's exactly how I feel as of right now. I think so many people don't understand why I believe in Him because they want "real" evidence. But I say look around. In a world full of pain, hurt, etc, I still see the beauty that only He can bring. Despite the chaos and mess I've created in my past this loving God saved me from myself. And it's still a constant struggle for me to believe in myself, I'm hoping that one day I can see the light and completely understand it all. 

Running helps me think. It brings such a different side of me. A battle within me that I feel like I'm on an adventure. Sometimes as silly as this may sound I picture myself running from the enemy's grips. Run from the past, Run from the insecurities, Run from the fear, Run for freedom to just be me.  As bona fide as this verse in the song I'm about to share with you is true about how I feel now, I believe that God has truly put a new fire in me that 2012 is a year that I claim victory! "But perfection is my enemy. On my own I'm so clumsy. But on Your shoulders I can see. I'm free to be me!" -Francesca Battistelli "Free To Be Me"

 Enough typing for now. I'm off to RUN! 

TSCHUSS!

Goals

I often find myself making New Year Resolutions and by Jan. 2nd I've broken all of them. Whether it was trying to eat healthier or taking a walk every night to reading a book or two a month. I feel as if I've already fallen behind by the 2nd day.

This year is different. I feel as if God is moving me in a totally different direction.  I'm having to sit back and allow Him to work. I know, I know. You're saying 'Duh, AJ. That's what you're suppose to do." But I've been refusing to do it. So, now He has my full attention and I'm here listening.

One word came to my mind a month back when I just felt lonely. I'm an otter, I'm a person who loves being around people. I feed off their energies and I wasn't making as many friends as quickly as I hoped. He wanted me to work on a particular area in my life. Anyhow God spoke to my heart and really placed the word dedication on it. "Oh Big Guy really? Really? You really had to pour some salt on that wound?" "Yes." "Okay then." 

What I began to realize is that I lack dedication. I'm all over the place and often times give up on myself. I don't have an ounce of motivation in me. If someone seriously doesn't drag me into doing something I won't do it. I give up when the going gets tough. Or worst when I don't see the results I wanted right away. I've learned that God wants to challenge me. And He is. Allowing me to be "alone" for awhile as He purges the negative things I've believed about myself for so long. He's replacing them with things like "You can do it!" "You are worth it." "You don't have to do it alone...I've got the strength for you."  Because sadly, I didn't and maybe still quite not believe I can. But I'm going on this journey and trusting in Him each mile I run. Each time my sides or my legs ache, I'm going to trust in Him on this journey.

I originally starting C25K or (Ease to 5K) back in 2010 and did not quite finish it. Since then it's been on and off again with the program. I've made it to week 5 and quit. Now, my goal for this year is to be healthy for me. Which means restarting Weight Watchers. (Because I've gotten into the habit of giving up). I am restarting C25K and currently on week 4 day 2. The new program now goes to week 8 so I have four more weeks to go until I am finish and than begins the ultimate training for the 1/2 marathon in Nashville on April 28th. 13.1 miles. I need to have my mile time down to 10 minutes/mile. A huge goal, but I'm going to accomplish it no matter how slow I run, I'm going to finish it. Because I owe that much to myself. I'm taking back me!

Below is a picture I found on a friend's FB page. I needed to hear this the day that she posted it. Thanks!